What is lost, can be found?

How do I begin to describe what the last five days have been like.  We arrived in Toronto on Saturday and had a great visit with my grandmother. It was the first time seeing her since everything happened in September. Last visit we had with her was on our Summer Family Trip a month prior in August. 

Childhood Cancer,
Trying to find this Aiden….

We took the kids to Canada’s Wonderland and the Science Museum. I think back on this family vacation as the last time we were all together with Aiden as Aiden.  A couple summers ago I had a psychic ask if I ever lost a child. I said no at the time but now that is all I think about. I told this worry to a friend who said that maybe she meant it in a different way, because I really have lost a child. Aiden as I knew him is lost right now. I get glimmers of him every so often. His humor shines though or a look on his face but it is gone quickly. I try to hold on to the memory of his voice and to hearing his stories around the camp fire in the summer, but I feel them slipping from me. I feel like I am forgetting him somehow, that I am missing him even though he is right in front of me. I am having to get to know a whole new kid. And I am having difficulty learning to parent this new kid and take care at same time. The baby who walked at 9 months and talked in full sentences, clear as day at 2 years old is lost. The little boy who climbed into bed with me each night cuddling close talking about crazy inventions. The little boy who could build sandcastle on the beach for hours and crack jokes and tell endless stories. I just miss his voice so much. To hear him say Mom again just like before. This loss is so hard to bare I feel it on my shoulder everyday. 

(Video of Aiden trying eel, May 2016) 

And then, I am given a flicker of light but I am so scared to take it. I was given Hope on Thursday but it has not been joyful. I was told from the doctor that they want to try Aiden on a trial drug Monday that may help his speech. The speech therapist assesses him, gives him drug, within 30 mins it either works or it dose not. That’s it. Even typing this right now my heart skips a beat and jumps to my throat. I wish they never told me and just gave him the drug. So I sit here alone (as Aiden is here but mostly not) in a new city trying to get through. Trying to see the end. Trying to believe. Trying to stay strong….. to be continued 

Speech session March 1st, 2017

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