I have never been to jail, or in trouble with the law for that matter, but as we prepare for 6 months in Toronto I think this is what it would feel like. I have a sentence date, we will be allowed visitors at set times, the doctor is the Warden making sure we follow the “rules”. We will have our room (cell) and our jail food (cafeteria) and I am sure we will get a little exercise in the yard (rehabilitation). For the last 2 weeks I have joked with my friends about my “last supper” and going to jail trying to make candid of the situation. I have tried to fill in as much quality time with friends and family and my boys as possible, to the point that it has been a whirl wind of a really unnatural lifestyle. Trying to cram as many positive and fun memories as possible in a short amount of time.
Over the weekend we went to a fondue dinner party with close friends; I took Declan to FunHaven and rode every amusement and played every game; Monday we packed up the car and drove an hour and half to Parc Omega with the boys. I went out with a girlfriend and had a pedicure, lunch dates with friends. Went to Chapters looking for books to help explain to Declan to be Brave and its ok to be Sad while Mommy is away. I died my hair, shaved my legs, bought new pyjamas. And all these things I thought would make this feeling of being sentenced easier to handle but it has not. And I am realizing that the inevitable to still going to happen. It does not matter what I do to prepare, I will never be prepared.
They say the mind is a powerful tool and I really am in a battlefield with my mind. I am trying to control the uncontrollable. It is like tying to lasso a tornado, it will never hold. Childhood Cancer is a life sentence, even when we get “free” we will still have the memories of everything we have seen and felt. No one goes to jail and ever comes out the same, some for the better and some for the worst. I need to put on my jail face and get that strength back, not show fear. Fear smells cancer and thrives, like a flame with air. Given the chance it only grows stronger until it burns down whole forests. So I will face this next challenge and not show fear. I look back on everything we have gone through already and know we will do this too. We will do our time in hopes of someday being set free and instead of looking at this as a jail sentence try to look at it as our next adventure in this voyage. We will travel the seas of uncertainty and rise above the water. We will take in all we can and make it the best we can.