Everyday I wake up and have a choice to make; I can get in my car and leave, I can hide under the covers with tears in my eyes, I can take my frustrations and sorrows out on those around me, or I can choose to face the situation and do the best I can! At times I look at my situation and it feels like I have no decision, no control, no choice, but if I think hard about it, I do. There really is, always a choice. I did not choose for Aiden to get Cancer, I did not choose for him to loose his mobility and speech but I did choose for him to have the surgery, and I choose to take him to rehabilitation in another country, and I choose to fight for the best possible care. I make these decisions the best that I can with the information I have. I think about the end result, what if I do nothing? if I did not do the surgery, if I did not go to Boston for rehabilitation and radiation where would we be then? I have no crystal ball but I know in the end I did the best I could, no mattter how hard it is. No matter who we are or what situations we are in, choices in our lives define us and map a road to our future.
As a teen I made a million bad choices, but I always tried to be a good person. I remember living in Ottawa in my early 20s, seeing a homeless man begging for money. It was winter and after the bar, I was going to the Elgin Street Dinner and got asked for spare change. I told the man I had none but would have breakfast with him. I remember sitting in the Elgin Street Dinner with this stranger and him telling me his life story. This pouring out from him of how his wife and child lived out west and how he was an alcoholic and lost it all. I listened and ate with him and tried to offer the best advice I could at 20 something. At the end of our meal the man thanked me profusly and we went our ways. I still think of this experience often and I like to think I made a difference in this mans life. For him to know someone cared and had not given up on him. Maybe he would not give up on himself. He had a choice, he could drink or he could try again. I like to think he tried again.
I have always picked up hitchhikers and sometimes driving out of my way and with windows down because of the stench. I tell myself that if this was truly my way to go then a least it would be doing a good deed. All these choices and more, they have brought me to where I am now. I love the town where I live, I love where I work, I love my three boys, I love the close friends I surround myself with. And although I am truly in a Bad Situation I have the Choice to do the Best I can.
Somewhere along the line I have chosen to be the strongest I can be. I have chosen to share as much of my story as I can in hopes that I can help even one person know they are not alone. I have tried to reach out to other families I have met, I have tried to connect, I have tried to educate myself, I have tried to stay true to who I am. As I get ready for this next stage, I am faced with the impossible choice. To be separated from my two younger boys for a long and unforseeable time but get Aiden the best possible rehabilitation and treatment, or I can stay in this comfort of being at home, see Declan off to kindergarten and be there for more of Lynkons firsts but I will know I would be settling for mediocre rehabilitation and a questionable treatment plan. To choose to sacrifice time with my two healthy children to take care of the one in more immediately need. In hopes that we have it all in the end. In hopes that this will just be a period of time and all worth it in the end. In hopes that my younger two will understand someday why and know it was not for lack of love and not their faults. But I have no crystal ball so I make the best desisions with the information I have. I pack our bags for Toronto and try to make the best of a bad situation.