Sitting on a train, this time so different. I am not heading to Sick Kids (well not really) I am not lugging a wheel chair and feeding pump and meds. I am not sitting with a sick child sleeping on my lap. I have myself and headphones. I am smiling, I feel worry free, I feel happy, am I allowed to feel like this?
I am watching people, wondering where they are going. To work, see friends, family, sporting events, hospitals? They all look pretty normal whatever that means.
I picked up a hitch hiker on way to train station, everyday he hitchhikes to smith falls to methadone clinic. He lives in motel his girlfriend has a 16 year old son but mind of a 5 year old. “Stay strong man good luck” and he gets out of the car.
New parking system at train station, more talk with strangers. “Oh we have to pay to park now” “when did they put this in” everyone says the same thing as they come into the small train station room, causing laughter. everyone seems happy and cheery. Small chit chat about this new device. Can I help you I ask as a elderly lady struggle with the touch screen. Oh thank you dear” it feels good to have such simple conversations with strangers. Is this what the world is like, is this normal?
Am I starving to be apart of this world that does not include puke bowls and weigh ins and medical talk? Do I look normal? Do they look at me and see a sick kid mom? Broken and shattered. This feeling of normal is scary. I feel guilt. I need to hold on or I will blow away like a balloon getting lost up in the sky.
Yesterday I had a good friend invited me to Toronto for the weekend. At first all these thoughts ran through my head, I should not go, what would I do otherwise? Every 11 days I get a small piece of time. If I have learnt anything from this experience life is short and unpredictable…. why not? It is a crazy feeling to want to experience so much all at one time. With the boys, for myself. Everything feels like snippet of time that I have to grip, memorizing the details, the colours the smells the sounds. Is this a normal feeling? I don’t know what the weekend will hold but right now I am enjoying every second and I have not even got off the train yet! Adventure awaits…
Aidens passing has been incredibly difficult but a lot less difficult because of the love and support we have receive from family, friend and community. Thank you to everyone who has sent meals, condolences, and donations so I can take this time I need now to grieve and take care of myself and beautiful blended family. I am so incredible grateful for the support we have received.
Stephanie (aka MamaOutpost)