Waiting, Waiting, Waiting…

Waiting, waiting, waiting… What is the next step… drain, no drain; surgery, no surgery; cancer, no cancer…. Right now cancer does not seem like the worst option, although, if God is reading this please don’t let it be that! 
My strong willed boy, my defiant youngster, I know you have fight but I see behind the eyes and I see that sparkle fade a little.  Everyday Dr. Nz asks you in an accented holier (like you are also hard of hearing) “Aiden, can you open your eyes?”  “Move your leg Aiden, Aiden move your leg”. I have seen you 10 minutes prior swat at the nurse or turn on your side but you now lay unresponsive. I can see you are fed up, frusterated with their questions. Through hand squeeze you seem to understand what we are saying. I believe you are deliberately not listening but, then there is that 10% that wonders if you really do understand. It is a constant battle with no words yet spoken. This silence is killing me. I wish someone could tell me something concrete. How long will it take for you to talk again? How long will it take for you to walk again?  Everyday I confirm with the doctors that your speech will come back. Dr NZ assures me it will. He says can be 2 days up to 52 weeks but on average around the month mark. What kind of answer is that? 

You were always such a talker, you talked so clear, in full sentences at 2 years old. I just can not get my head around this “cerebral mutism”. It just makes no sense. In all the studies I have read it says there is no real explanation, no medication, just waiting, waiting, waiting. I sit by your bed, you lay there in what seems like a coma or paralyzed, and I cry. More tears then I ever thought possible. What I would not give to take this from you. I just want to ask you how you are? How to you feel, are you in pain, are you uncomfortable, are you scared, sad, lonely but I can’t because I don’t want to project these feeling onto you if you are not feeling them. I did not expect this. I did now know…I AM SO SORRY.”

Thank You

Aidens passing has been incredibly difficult but a lot less difficult because of the love and support we have receive from family, friend and community. Thank you to everyone who has sent meals, condolences, and donations so I can take this time I need now to grieve and take care of myself and beautiful blended family. I am so incredible grateful for the support we have received.

Stephanie (aka MamaOutpost)

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